Fatty's be ridin dirty

Sooo.. last night, as I was playing MW2 (Modern Warfare 2 for those of you not cool enough to know video game acronyms) I realized, hey I am f’ing hungry…. and as any video game playing slacker would tell you the only thing that would fill this void would be…. yes you guessed it filet mignon with a delicate red wine reduction.. no you ass TAQUITOS the food of the gods (and stoners). So I venture out to procure myself said treats… my adventure and enthusiasm for acquiring my delicate little rolls of heaven ends as soon as I walk into of all places Wally-World (ok… so what… it’s close and I felt like supporting communism yesterday) and am almost mowed down by a morbidly obese person in a handicap shopping cart (frozen pizza’s were in high demand)….

WTF you are not handicapped you are fat… and you did that to yourself. Those carts are reserved for the elderly or for real disabled people not people who are to lazy to even go to the doctors and get gastric bypass surgery… Unfortunately I did not have my droid (ha... best phone ever suck it Apple) or I would have taken a picture of their globular thighs protruding out and over the sides of the seat (how is that even comfortable). My problem with them is that they can in fact walk, and maybe if they did more of it they wouldn’t need a motorized anything to get around… You had to truffle shuffle
your fat

Acceptable motorized object
Run fatty run...

ass from the car (which I am sure you have a handicap sticker on it because you are sooo… handicapped) into wally-world and then waddle your way over to customer service to get them to unlock it or get them to find it for you because you are to lazy (correlation between fat and lazy… yep I think sooo..) to find the carts yourself. I think that instead of handing over the keys to these people they should be forced to walk around and collect the food that is making them so fat, maybe it would deter them from buying as much (seeing as how they would only make it the first isle full of vegetables). We as a culture look down on the obese and yet we are their biggest enablers. I am not saying to go around and preach to every fat person about how they should change their life (Yah I would slap a hoe) but honestly they should not be able to use those carts, and they should not be able to have handicap stickers on their cars. Make them have the shitty parking spots all the way in the back in middle earth

so they are forced to walk further. Make them walk

 around the store to collect their food, maybe it will help to burn off some of the calories they are purchasing. We should be helping them not hurting them, and while public ridicule is probably very effective it’s just as annoying to hear skinny people talk about weight as it is to see fattys on parade in shopping carts…

      

So easy a cavewoman can do it....

Thanks to one of my friends who sent this story to me because she thought I would enjoy it (ahh.. you know me all to well) and I do… so I thought I would share it here as well.. Apparently cavewoman Sue wasn’t anymore happier about her man in bed (or her lonely nights spent watching oxygen) then we are. This “tool” as it is being referred to as is unmistakably shaped like a penis (hehe it’s just as fun to say as it was in 6th grade).. and what do you do with things shaped like a Penis… well you shove them up things shaped like vaginas. This might actually be the first sex toy ever found or some teenage caveman letting out his sexual angst in the form of penis art

(eat your heart out Georgia O’Keefe). I have to say that as a non-scientist that this has to be more then just a coincidence.What in your everyday living as a caveman, would you have to have a penis shaped anything for.... cooking, self defense, hunting,cleaning, house chores…(hey honey hand me the penis I need to shove some shit up in this hole). Really what else could this possible be used for other then making up for the short comings of caveman Joe…. The historical significance of this I believe is that it gives us another dimension of the social and cognitive skills of early man. Sex was being enjoyed and things to simulate that experience were being created (necessity is the mother of all in inventions after all) that is a lot of thought process for some one who has yet to invent the internet (ok I was going to say wheel but I don’t know when that came about sooo…)

wheel < ancient dildo.. you tell me what’s cooler… any who.... I hope more info comes out about it and someone with experience in ancient sex toys (enter Ron Jeremy) can figure out just exactly what it is and the significance of it to the understanding of early man.. and their libido.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38343340/ns/technology_and_science-science/

My tatters say buy me drinks... your tatters say wtf...

Ok girls…wtf is with boys starring at our fun bags, all I want to do is have a fun time with my girls and get shammamerd!

Oh wait I know why, those golden tickets to life are out and just screaming to be moterboated!! I see so many girls out (myself included) with their tatters pushed up to their chins, their nipples just barely tucked into that baby gap (for sluts) shirt and lookin a hot mess up at the bar, and yet many of these same girls (myself not included) wonder why guys can not seem to make eye contact with them when trying to lay down some game. I and many of my friends

My Hoe's

 < (what up hoes) dress rather provocatively and know that we look like total skanks when we go out (hey are we dressing like I am easy but you have to buy me a drink, or let’s rail some lines and do this?). I can’t stand the hypocrisy of it all, you want to look skanky but you don’t want people to think you are a skank…how does that work? Who are you dressing for anyways when you go out looking like that, what you like to look skanky to turn your self on, or maybe your hoe bag friends like to see your sweater gremlins… no you did it for attention! We all know guys are perverted it’s in their DNA and some guys have such a good imagination that even under your north face fleece and hoody they still could imagine those glorious beasts just bouncing up and down at them, but should we have a problem with that? I don’t feel violated when a dude stares at my tatters, especially if I have them out, wasn’t that the point?

 (no money tonight better bring out the twins). So what about those awkward situations when you are not trying to look skanky and your boobs are just tucked away in that nasty old sports bra at the gym, and that creeper on the bike keeps starring at you? (who rides bikes….)

1. Get over it, and get over your self, how do you really know he is even looking at you?

2. Ok he is looking at you, is it really bothering you that Creeper-Maggie is getting his jolly’s off of your sweaty tits.

3. You do have a problem with being included in his spank bank, so yell from the elliptical over to the bikes “hey chester are you looking at these and forcibly grab your love pillows and shake…(works like a charm)

Problem solved…

I just don’t think confusing the already flustered mind of a dude trying to get some strange, by putting your tatters out there and then being all uptight about him looking at them is right. If you don’t want people to stare at your who-ha’s then don’t put them out there, tuck them away… wear a sports bra (uni-boob is soo hot this season) and get on with your prude stuck up life.


Words used to reference Breast’s:
Fun Bags
Golden Tickets to Life
Tatters
Sweater Gremlins
Glorious Beasts
Twins
Boobs
Tits
Love Pillows
Who-Ha’s

You can so tell you were home schooled....

So I am pretty sure everyone knows what I am talking about when I say you can point a homeschooler out from a mile away. If it isn’t for the uniform

(a risky long jean skirt with home made shirt that matches all of their 20 brothers and sisters) it’s the social awkwardness. I presume that a lot of parents who choose to home school do so on the premise that they want to have control over their children’s education (and every aspect of their lives) and see the public and private schools failing to meet their educational standards. In this country (U.S.A ALL THE WAY) home schooling and religious fanaticism go together like well…. home schooling and religious fanaticism. My problem is not with their educational standards, or their curriculum (if Jesus had saved 3 souls and the evil prince of darkness’s sin engulfed 1 soul how many souls are left?) it’s with the things that can not be learned by only interacting with your siblings, your mother, and your bible. Things like social norms, how to interact with your peers, how to stand up for yourself, or how to create and individuality for your self. Home school kids miss out on mile stones, best friends on the play ground, school dances, being picked last in gym class, and even getting bullied (yah I wouldn’t know anything about that). Sure not all of those things are great experiences, but they are experiences none the less that teach you so much more. Parents think by withdrawing their children from society that they will for ever be shielded from the evils that lurk out side of their home (down with youtube and the homosexuals). The truth is the world is going to be the world, and if you do not help to prepare your kids for it, then what the hell is going to happen when it is right in their face (that’s what she said.. haha). They will have no idea how to deal with someone being rude to them, how to deal with being in a crowd, how to act around the opposite sex (pretty sure their marriages are arranged so… this might not be a prob.) down to how to dress like a normal participating member of society. I have known a few people who are products of homeschooling and while they are very sweet (to nice if you ask me….) have impeccable manners they lack any sense of individuality or personality and are horribly naive. What happens when these kids go to college (that is if they are not already married by 18, just so they can finally get laid)? Do they know how to even make friends, or how to deal with drunk people, with different cultures, with frat boys or even how to have fun (“hey guys want to come to my dorm and watch Glen Beck?”… “uhhh..F’ off”)? It’s not safe to let someone so naive wonder the streets of this world, they have no idea what’s out there or how to deal with dangerous situations

Sneaky, sneaky...

(‘Here let me get you a drink”… mmm.. how did that ruffie-collata taste). I just don’t understand why parents would want to deprive their children of school dances, field trips, play ground politics, clubs, after school sports, SOCIAL INTERACTION. Germany has made it illegal to home school (people are still Ann Frank’n it and hiding and doing it), and here in the states I think we should do the same. Home schooling at the very least should be stopped once the child reaches middle school 5th grade (you already stole half of their childhood, let them have their teen years) if not gotten rid of all together except for special circumstances like children with disabilities or behavioral problems. Home schooling should be for the betterment of the child not a hindrance. Recently on a whim I was like “hey I want to mold the young impressionable minds of the youth, how’s about I become a teacher”, yah not so much you kind gotta get certified for that.

So who is passing out teaching certificates to these mothers of 12 in jean clad jumpers? ( Black people don't home school.....?)>

There is a governing body of home schooler’s but honestly do they really now what’s going on in that home? Like I said before my problem is not with the education taught from books

( ca.. ca.. cat.. F’ this reading shit I’m gonna be a stripper)

it’s the lack of social interaction, and inability to ever be able to fit in EVER.

What gets me through work...

I am sure that not everyone is that cool kid (if in fact this is a classification of being cool now) who knows about the newest YouTube video phenomenon, or those awesomely random obscure sites you just have to see. So I think I should share some of my favorite sites that my cool friends have shared with me, and some I have found myself. If it wasn’t for these sites I really don’t know what I would do with myself at work, or even at home (you can only contemplate why Cheney has yet to reveal himself as an evil troll demon so many times… what I think about these things). So comment back if you have websites that have to be seen, and thus elevating yourself to “cool”.

http://www.cracked.com/
This is truly an amazeballs site to say the least. Hilarious lists, random facts, and even better articles about amusing nothingness.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/
I have just started to follow this site and while blatantly liberal I love it. Great current U.S. and world news with random stories like Lilo going to jail articles mixed in. You get educated while you laugh and if you are like me I force myself to read the important ones about oh say… health care reform and reward myself by then reading about Snookies contract negation status. It keeps you up to date on all the important stuff.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/
who doesn’t love having the Wal-Mart (freaking word recognizes this store and corrected it… wtf) experience from the comfort of your home or office without that hot dog and urine smell stuck to your cloths. Sure you feel bad that you are having a knee slapper of a laugh at the expense of others (eh… not so much) but honestly don’t these people know that they will be laughed at. I equate it to girls who have their tatters out and then get mad that guys look at them… you were kinda asking for it so embrace it. Same goes with the fashionably challenged, you should know you look like a freak so embrace it and show the world.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/
Ok not really a website but a great toolbar to help you find those obscure websites you have only heard your hipster friends talk about(or those creepy kids who hangout at Starbucks talk about). It saves your preferences and helps you find randomness based off of your likes and interests, and your other searches. Not so sure if everything you “stumbleupon” is work safe but try it out at home.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/
Pretty sure every family has at least 3 photos that could be added to this site, but it’s great to point and laugh at others, and pretend like your family is not so… well awkward. This site is amazingly funny and as the site gains popularity as does the pictures pool. They even have categories for their pictures; say you wanted to just look at funny graduation pictures (if only to make yourself feel better about that candid one your grandma took that shows your diploma and your double chin) well they have a category for that. Over all super great.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
Enough said, if you have gone to college in the past 3 years you know all about this site and are more the likely a contributor. It’s a compilation of the things you said when you were blackout and well, things you say that make no sense.
http://failblog.org/
This site is a compilation of funny pictures, funny videos and just down right funny stuff about people failing at everything from epic typos to people just failing at life. I love it and makes me feel better about myself….(yah…)

http://www.fmylife.com/
Not so sure if this site is responsible for adding to the English language the most useful acronym of all time (and one that I seem to use a lot.. fml) none the less it’s originality and over all amazeballsness is well amazing… Funny little stories to make you not want to fml so much.

http://www.familywatchdog.us/
If you like to stalk or more importantly enjoy looking up pictures of creepers (btw any normal person could have looked at these people on the streets and said yep they’re defiantly a child molester) check this site out. It gives you pinpoint locations of sex offenders from where they live to where they work and a bio of priors… so you can protect your children and even more importantly get a good laugh.

Gaga I lovers you

Now there is another reason to love GaGa. Classy and Crazy GaGa took on the WBC with words just short of poet laurite material, in hopes that her fans would turn a blind eye to their protest outside of her concert in the STL this week. Referring to them as “hate activists” in my opinion is an understatement, they are terrorists and I wish nothing but horrible horrible things to happen to them like: killer bee stings to the eye, or being trapped in a small room that only shows re-runs of OZ and the L word (not that they are bad shows just because it would be funny to watch their reactions).. None the less I hate to propagate their message or even acknowledge there existence but I love GaGa even more now.

http://www.politicsdaily.com/2010/07/17/lady-gaga-takes-on-westboro-baptist/