Sometimes I find things that should not be therapeutic, therapeutic... like spending money so I can replace whatever BS I am dealing with, with shoppers remorse... or drinking, or even pintresting.. while drinking. Then there are times that I don't even know what I am worried/pissed about so I have to articulate them to non-remembering, non-judgemental computer screens like today...
What the fuck did I do... really, like what the fuck. I am of course referring to my relationship with my soon to be (7 months to go) fiance and I's relationship. I know I am not everyone's cup of tea, I have a short fuse, and I am a tad bit neurotic but I also love and take care of people like no other and can't seem to find a fucking person who does the same outside of my Mom! Maybe it's her fault... maybe she should have never set such an unrealistic goal of a human being. She is always there, never breaks a promise, offers a helping hand before I even need it and puts me before her always. And I, like my mother enjoy doing these things for those I love as well! I love making someone I love happy, even if it puts me out or is impossible or is a ton of work.. I honestly love doing things for those I love. I don't do it because I feel I have to or do it because I want it in return I just love it.... So why is it so hard to find someone who will do that for me, who thinks like I do?
Our fight started months ago, over a year even, when we moved in... I do everything and when I ask him to pull his weight he is surprised like "why" or "all you had to do was ask", (like you didn't know your clothes don't fucking wash themselves)... then it turned into the let downs, not coming to work things, like when I get an award or want some company, not coming home on the weekend to see my parents (who by the way do everything for us) because he would rather "forget" he wasn't working part time and would rather sit on his ass and play video games, or not come with me when I go to look at a new car even though we were going to trade his in and he would get my old car which is 100% better than his! Like I was doing you a favor asshole by paying more instead of trading mine in! But no... doesn't do it.. doesn't understand.. just says he's sorry, that he's an ass hole, things will change.. He has such a good generic script for apologizing that he just sticks to it every time and for all occasions, HE DOESN'T EVEN COME UP WITH GOOD EXCUSES.. like you can't even be creative and give a little fucking effort to lie? Jesus Christ buddy...
Of course, this is just one side of the story and he is really sweet, he's good with money, makes me laugh and sex is great.. but I can't count on you being there for me, for knowing that I won't ask for help and just helping me, for realizing "she works all day too.. wouldn't it be nice if I cleaned something up". You would have thought he just bought me a new unicorn if you saw my reaction after coming home and seeing he ran the vacuum in the living room once without me asking... well I had fought with him the night before but he did it!!!! Like I am not hard to please here, clearly... he set the bar so fucking low for himself doing his laundry may just result in a blow job... But the house shit is typical , right? Every guy sucks (accept for gay's and they won't be my husband for some fucking reason) but what about just being there for me?
I have lost trust.. not the typical kind you hear about in relationships, like he wouldn't cheat on me.. but the type of trust I have lost in him is worse I think... I have lost the trust that when shit hits the fan, or even a little shit falls on the floor he will be there, like I would for him! It's gotten to the point I am purposefully not packing him a special lunch for work, or writing him sweet notes for when he comes home just to punish him (he honestly probably doesn't notice) and I hate it! I hate that I have to not do things that once brought me joy just too fucking punish him.
Is it his fault though? I recognize I go above and beyond even with friends, and it's hard to top that.. but he doesn't even try. He doesn't even see it as an issue? He doesn't understand that not coming to look at a stupid car means so much more to me.. especially when you combine it with months of tension and fights about similar things. Maybe, whats good enough for him isn't for me and that doesn't make him a bad guy it just makes us not right together. It's not fair for me to constantly tell him to just do more, or be there and make him feel like he's not enough, when maybe, that's all he can give. It's not fair for me to not do the things for him that I love just because I know he won't ever do it for me, thus causing resentment... I would accept even half, a dead flower he found on the road would make me happy..
I love him so much and sometimes I think I should really ask myself why? Why is it when we get in a fight do I think about other people's relationships and wonder how they deal with it, or think about a guy I use to date and wonder if this would be a problem too? I'm 29 but not mentally.. and I don't attach to people so I also think "just dip the fuck out, you have the rest of your life to make yourself miserable in new and fun ways why let someone else do it..."
What the hell do you do... where do you go from here...
