Trust.. but not in the cheating way.. more in the... would you come if my car broke down trust...

Sometimes I find things that should not be therapeutic, therapeutic... like spending money so I can replace whatever BS I am dealing with, with shoppers remorse... or drinking, or even pintresting.. while drinking. Then there are times that I don't even know what I am worried/pissed about so I have to articulate them to non-remembering, non-judgemental computer screens like today...

What the fuck did I do... really, like what the fuck. I am of course referring to my relationship with my soon to be (7 months to go) fiance and I's relationship. I know I am not everyone's cup of tea, I have a short fuse, and I am a tad bit neurotic but I also love and take care of people like no other and can't seem to find a fucking person who does the same outside of my Mom! Maybe it's her fault... maybe she should have never set such an unrealistic goal of a human being. She is always there, never breaks a promise, offers a helping hand before I even need it and puts me before her always. And I, like my mother enjoy doing  these things for those I love as well! I love making someone I love happy, even if it puts me out or is impossible or is a ton of work.. I honestly love doing things for those I love. I don't do it because I feel I have to or do it because I want it in return I just love it.... So why is it so hard to find someone who will do that for me, who thinks like I do?

Our fight started months ago, over a year even, when we moved in... I do everything and when I ask him to pull his weight he is surprised like "why" or "all you had to do was ask", (like you didn't know your clothes don't fucking wash themselves)... then it turned into the let downs, not coming to work things, like when I get an award or want some company, not coming home on the weekend to see my parents (who by the way do everything for us) because he would rather "forget" he wasn't working part time and would rather sit on his ass and play video games, or not come with me when I go to look at a new car even though we were going to trade his in and he would get my old car which is 100% better than his! Like I was doing you a favor asshole by paying more instead of trading mine in! But no... doesn't do it.. doesn't understand.. just says he's sorry, that he's an ass hole, things will change.. He has such a good generic script for apologizing that he just sticks to it every time and for all occasions, HE DOESN'T EVEN COME UP WITH GOOD EXCUSES.. like you can't even be creative and give a little fucking effort to lie? Jesus Christ buddy...

Of course, this is just one side of the story and he is really sweet, he's good with money, makes me laugh and sex is great.. but I can't count on you being there for me, for knowing that I won't ask for help and just helping me, for realizing "she works all day too.. wouldn't it be nice if I cleaned something up". You would have thought he just bought me a new unicorn if you saw my reaction after coming home and seeing he ran the vacuum in the living room once without me asking... well I had fought with him the night before but he did it!!!! Like I am not hard to please here, clearly... he set the bar so fucking low for himself doing his laundry may just result in a blow job... But the house shit is typical , right? Every guy sucks (accept for gay's and they won't be my husband for some fucking reason) but what about just being there for me?

I have lost trust.. not the typical kind you hear about in relationships, like he wouldn't cheat on me.. but the type of trust I have lost in him is worse I think... I have lost the trust that when shit hits the fan, or even a little shit falls on the floor he will be there, like I would for him! It's gotten to the point I am purposefully not packing him a special lunch for work, or writing him sweet notes for when he comes home just to punish him (he honestly probably doesn't notice) and I hate it! I hate that I have to not do things that once brought me joy just too fucking punish him.

Is it his fault though? I recognize I go above and beyond even with friends, and it's hard to top that.. but he doesn't even try. He doesn't even see it as an issue? He doesn't understand that not coming to look at a stupid car means so much more to me.. especially when you combine it with months of tension and fights about similar things. Maybe, whats good enough for him isn't for me and that doesn't make him a bad guy it just makes us not right together. It's not fair for me to constantly tell him to just do more, or be there and make him feel like he's not enough, when maybe, that's all he can give. It's not fair for me to not do the things for him that I love just because I know he won't ever do it for me, thus causing resentment... I would accept even half, a dead flower he found on the road would make me happy..

I love him so much and sometimes I think I should really ask myself why? Why is it when we get in a fight do I think about other people's relationships and wonder how they deal with it, or think about a guy I use to date and wonder if this would be a problem too? I'm 29 but not mentally.. and I don't attach to people so I also think "just dip the fuck out, you have the rest of your life to make yourself miserable in new and fun ways why let someone else do it..."

What the hell do you do... where do you go from here...

Stop getting pissed off when your tits are out...

sceniro: Hot looking repoter in tight jeans and a button down shirt that is well... buttoned down (yay boobs!) walks into professionl football players locker room with hot, sweaty ,testosterone laden, post practice men, and begins to interview them. No this is not the set up for a sweet porno gang bang, or one of my wet dreams it's reality. So this super pretty reporter did just that she strutted up into the locker room looking like well a sexy chick and interviewed some of the players from the Jets (hahha what is it report about crappy teams. GO STEELERS) Who in the F word didn't see some cat calls, and 1 liners coming her way... and honestly if I was her I would be in heaven (and possibly the bathroom with...)  ok. The kicker here is she was not the one that had the problem with the quote un-quote "sexual harassment" it was people in her crew (prob some fat ugly chick.. you ruin everything) so this opened up the debate again... about what woman should wear and whether or not guys should be allowed to comment... OK. as I have written before (see "my tatter say buy me drinks your tatter say wtf") if you dress like a skank then men are going to pay attention... and wasn't that the point... i mean your niche in the reporting world is that hot chick that reports on football. Stop acting surprised, and before someone says I blame the victims of rape.. I don't I just think men are stupid everyone knows this and people are going to look and comment if your goodies are on display, hell I am straight and I will stare and a nice pair of boobs and be envious..

I'm hostile to people and their babies...

I decided to reflect on my negative feelings towards people and their babies, and not the obvious hostility that comes from being seated next to a baby that won't stop crying at a restaurant (like get your shit together) or a toddler smearing food on their face (I was kicked out for that behavior last week.. ageism hello..). I am talking about the feelings of "umm.. yah.." you get when people won't just shut the fuck up about their prize for having unprotected sex and or human manifestation of feelings of the need to procreate for a litany of reasons. I am finally at the age where my friends are having children on purpose... not just on accident... and it not only serves as a cruel reminder of how old I am but is dragging me into this mommy war bullshit I don't care about! My news-feed is nothing but pregnancy announcements, infant pictures, and women bitching and moaning about how hard pregnancy and birth are, HELLO YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF... it also does not help that every single article is now about "10 reason kids make you old", "Why I stopped loving my husband", "why my toddler ruined my house".. 

like really if I was a fence rider on the topic of rearing children none of these articles would make me want to stop taking my pill every day! All mothers do is bitch, that's literally all you do, why would I want to be as miserable as you claim to be? Is there some competition for who can be more miserable and the prize is mommy of the year? I see my BFF  getting dragged into a convo about why she doesn't want to breastfeed and some cunt telling her it's so wrong that she won't do it, all I want to do is respond like I would if someone called my BFF a bitch.. like "STFU.. HER TITS and who's sucking on them is her issue" but I don't because I think it's all gross.. the fact that you would even have this convo is gross... gross.. ewww.. 

I'm 28 not married but in a serious relationship, as in my pinterest wedding board is kick ass... and me and bae have had this convo on multiple occasions, we don't want kids, we are not into not being able to do what we want when  we want, not into having our nice things ruined, or into having to choose  baby shit over needless trips to Cancun. We don't want them and that's ok, but apparently it's not. Everyone and I mean everyone asks "don't you want to get married to have a baby" umm no I want to get married to have an open bar and some tax breaks.. oh and commit to my man because I love him and shit.. Why is it ok for you to ask me that, but when I say something like "I don't really like kids" I get the look like I just punched one in the face! How rude are you to ask me, and how rude are you to tell me that I am selfish. How is knowing that I don't want kids selfish.. being selfish would be having a kid that I resent because society said I have to. Before any weirdo quiverfull ( if you don't know what that is it's the cult the Duggar's are in that teach that women are only useful because of our uterus, and men need someone to take care of them and rape) bitch says I am bitter because I can't have kids or I am the anti-christ ( ok maybe I am the anti-christ) I can have children and am pissed off with how much I have spent in my lifetime on condoms, birth control and plan B, so hush you freak..

scary shit...

I love the other argument I get when I say I don't want kids "well good thing your parents didn't feel that way" yah your right, because then I wouldn't have to sit her and be judged by some dinosaur who is thinking about me getting creampied.. how is that even an argument really? My parents did what they wanted, I am doing what I wanted... AMURICA BITCH.I also love the "your words will bite you in the ass when and if you decide to have kids".. No it won't because I guess if somehow my mind is changed it will be changed at that moment  and not change everything I believed before, which right now in this point in my life and foreseeable future I don't want children.

I want people with babies to realize no one takes pity on you for having kids, I am sure no one told you it would be easy, so stop acting like it's such a surprise when you are 3 months prego and puking every where, or your body is being ripped to shreds, or you are so exhausted you can't see straight like shouldn't you enjoy all these moments? Isn't this like part of the parenting experience.. stop looking for sympathy. Also stop claiming your feminist because you breastfeed in public yet bash another woman for not having kids, or not caring about your lack of sleep. We are suppose to be able to choose our lives now, not be told what is right and wrong.. It's not wrong that you have a kid.. I just really don't care about it, just like you don't care about how my life behind closed doors is going on. I will totes make your kid a blanket and send cute uggs, but I don't want to baby sit and please have something better to talk about then your damn kid.. really it's not that interesting and every baby looks a like so stop saying it's the cutest ever.. I doubt you could pick it out in a line up anyways..